do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
