If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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