Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
