Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
