We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
