If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
