How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
