I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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