I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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