i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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