White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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