Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
