there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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