Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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