Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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