He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
