I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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