I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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