I could make wine with my vomit
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
