dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
