Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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