hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
