I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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