Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
