There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
