Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
