I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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