i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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