The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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