and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
