I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
