it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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