ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
