All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
