so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
