We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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