Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
