Please, let me fuck your mom
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
