I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
