standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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