he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
