nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
