Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
