i would punch a child for taco bell
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
