I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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