I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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