New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
