I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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