At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
