ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize