Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
