it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
