I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
