Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
