Three words: puerto rican gang bang
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
