I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
