They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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