he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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