im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
